


Drivin' me out of my mind

by WinterMunchkin05



Series: Where words fail, music speaks [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Boy needs to learn that denial ain't just a river in Egypt, Bucky Barnes Feels, Confused Bucky Barnes, Denial of Feelings, I Don't Even Know, I wrote this instead of sleeping so please be kind and expect a mess, Lots of it, M/M, Oblivious Tony Stark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:35:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24878563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinterMunchkin05/pseuds/WinterMunchkin05
Summary: A twinge of jealousy and regret came over him as he looked at the two.They shared a sweet, chaste kiss almost innocent yet passionate, clearly full of love and it was possibly one of the most exquisite things he had ever seen in his entire life.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Tony Stark, past Steve Rogers/Tony Stark - Relationship
Series: Where words fail, music speaks [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1640227
Comments: 14
Kudos: 103





	Drivin' me out of my mind

**Author's Note:**

> At long last, I finally got to writing Bucky's POV!  
> I apologize for the extremely long wait.  
> I have to warn you though, our boy is a whole damn mess.  
> Expect confusing narration.
> 
> The song that inspired the fic is Cherish by The Association.
> 
> As always, all mistakes are mine.  
> Enjoy!

James was listening to the music of the decades he had missed when he first heard the song.

A song from the 60’s, according to the radio station’s DJ.

He liked the songs from this era, mainly because they’re in some ways similar to the music he had known back in the 40’s.

At first he thought it was a jolly tune, until the lyrics of the song had registered. He recalled huffing a laugh as it played from the speakers. He thought it odd for such a sad song to have so merry a beat then realized that it was, maybe, the whole point of the song.

The song, he thought, was about putting a strong front while trying to decipher the feelings you have for someone. Wishing with all your heart to be the one beside them but hiding it all of it under a smile.

He felt that the juxtaposition between the tragic lyrics and the cheery melody was rather brilliant, thus he took a liking to it.

Now, however, he felt as though the song was a tool someone upstairs used to set up the most elaborate joke ever known in the history of mankind to be played on him.

* * *

James had faced almost all kinds of horrors imaginable to man, had eventually become one of those too, during his time with HYDRA.

But no one had ever told him how terrifying it was to realize that the keys to regain your humanity lied in the hands of the person who had all the reasons in the world to shred it all to pieces. It was like a free fall over a jagged cliff by the sea and the only thing in one’s mind was that they're going to die slowly, feeling the sharp rocks dig into their flesh as they drown. His little bubble of already tentative peace exploded like a goddamn nuke when T’challa told him the secret to his treatment one afternoon, two days before he and Steve’s team left for the States.

The US government had granted the Rogue Avengers a pardon and apparently, he was given one too. When the king had mentioned that tidbit, James felt his heart shrivel in his chest. Why was he included? He was an international assassin. He had probably committed more crimes than all the Rogue Avengers combined. Maybe it was a trap? A way to make sure he’d show up so they could catch him?

Was he going to be thrown in solitary confinement?

The Raft?

No, Shuri said that the Secretary of State, Thaddeus Ross, had faced charges for throwing Steve’s team in there, among other things—compliments of a certain fellow genius, she told him.

Banner? He had guessed. From what Steve told him, Dr. Banner had all the reasons in the world to see Ross behind bars. Shuri only gave him what could be considered a Mona Lisa smile and shook her head, muttering under her breath about ‘clueless colonizers.’

He hadn’t pushed for answers after that. The princess was like her brother in that aspect, both liked to say something cryptic and expect others to get what they mean.

Must be a royalty thing.

Still, the thoughts ran and ran through his mind. Was he going to be court martialed first? That was if the United States still considered him a Sergeant of the United States Army, right? He would bet his new arm and a leg that they didn’t. Or would he be escorted to his execution the moment they set foot on US soil? 

_How do courts work nowadays, anyway_? he wondered.

USSR and HYDRA were more concerned about training him in all the ways to break the law than teaching him about court proceedings, so what did he know. He would be stupid to assume that it would be the same as it had been back in his day.

If him getting a pardon didn’t seem more of a cosmic joke, learning about who helped him be awarded with one was definitely it.

Tony Stark not only moved things to get him pardoned but had also provided the technology to neutralize the trigger words and other signals he didn’t even know were also implanted in his head. And of course, if those were not enough of a whiplash to his conscience, the man was also responsible for the arm he was sporting now.

It made him very anxious for the rest of the time they have left in Wakanda that it in turn set Steve’s mother hen tendencies into way past the verge of overdrive. The blond wondered if the king was trying to drive a point or something when James caved in to Steve’s incessant questions about what’s weighing on his mind. However, T’challa never struck James as the petty kind of man. Maybe, in his own roundabout way the king was reminding him to keep his head cool and not see Stark as an enemy.

He was appreciative of the king’s forethought, if it were the case, but it wasn’t actually necessary. He only had to think about how the light slowly died in Stark’s eyes as the man witnessed how his parents' life were snuffed by James’ hands to remind himself of that. In that fight in Siberia, his survival instincts had kicked in, but he had never really thought of Stark as the enemy. Even as they exchanged fists, even when Steve had knocked Iron Man down and smashed the arc reactor with the shield. He didn’t see an enemy when he had glanced back at Stark, slumped on the snow-laden floor of the bunker, as Steve hauled him away.

James only saw the young man whom he had robbed of the chance to say the things he had wanted to say to the two people that he loved all those years ago. He only saw a man whose family was torn apart by James’ hands for the second time.

* * *

To say that their return to the States was anticlimactic was going to be an understatement. When they got on that jet, they expected outright hostility and insults to be thrown at first sight. But, no, apart from cool, apathetic glances and even colder tones, the _welcoming_ _committee_ —composed of Stark, his friend Rhodes and a stern-looking woman named Carol Danvers—had done everything that the Accords committee envoy told them to do to the letter. No threats, no hostility, not even thinly-veiled insults in response to Barton’s and Maximoff’s. After Stark had informed them of where they were going to stay in the Compound, since it was renovated after Steve and the others went on the run, they were left in the hands of the Accords representative.

They were subjected to long meetings and even longer, droning orientations that James was sure would be enough to put him back into cryo sleep for the another century, this time undisturbed.

The Compound was completely different than what he had expected. What was mostly a private residence and training facility for the Avengers before, had been turned into an actual headquarters.

There were offices, cafeterias and rules that didn’t exist before. That, apart from the plethora of new people bustling around, made Natalia remark that the place now reminded her of Triskelion. James didn’t know if the others had noticed but Stark’s lips had pressed into a tight line when she said that. He couldn’t blame him. It was one thing to comment on the changes someone had made to their own property, but to compare the finished product to the main base of a spy organization infested with Nazis was downright insulting, especially if said commenter worked for the aforementioned spy organization before it went down in flames. Not that James was any better considering he was the hidden Nazi faction’s favorite attack dog but at least he kept his mouth shut.

They haven’t seen Stark for another two weeks after that due to some things happening in his company, much to Steve’s disappointment. The Accords Council had whisked them off to some press conferences for the official reinstatement of Steve’s team back into the Avengers and signing of the newly revised Sokovia Accords. The New Avengers—as the press had taken to calling the team Stark had assembled—were sometimes with them to show everyone that there was no more bad blood, only comradery between them.

So far, the only incident where the tensions had run high was during a joint training exercise. Steve, who had been waiting for an opportunity to talk to Stark ever since the pardons were announced, was relentless in asking the new team leader, Danvers, about the man’s whereabouts.

Carol Danvers, who turned out to be an Airman _and_ was, honest to God, abducted by aliens called the Kree back in the late 80’s (?) because she had absorbed the energy of a powerful space artifact carried by her co-pilot when said aliens attacked her plane during a test flight.

That information had yet to cease fascinating James.

Before James had the chance to stop Steve, the other super solider stepped on the mat to face Danvers and kept the questions up, not willing to let go of his chance to find out where the genius was. James knew it was all for naught, if Stark happened to be on one of his business trips out of the country. Steve wouldn’t be able to follow him because they were not allowed to go out of the States for a whole year, in accordance to the conditions of the pardon.

Captain Marvel, for her part, answered Steve’s questions as best as she could. However, when his best friend turned out to be much more persistent than a German Shepherd, she channeled her frustrations into their sparring. She stopped further questions by punching Steve with enough force to give him a concussion and a broken nose that got his ass stuck in the med bay for the rest of the day.

That incensed members of Steve’s team, particularly Barton who was always on the lookout for something to nitpick on the other group. The archer had quickly sent in a report to the committee while Steve was getting checked out in the medical. Despite the disciplinary action dropped on her, the aura of having a thundercloud following her around all the time seemed to have vanished from Danvers in the blink of an eye.

If anything, that punch to Steve’s face had taken the gloom from the New Avengers because for the following days they all seemed to have lightened up, not that they were suddenly chummy with him and Steve’s crew but the change was still noticeable. From cautiously polite Vision to the awkwardly chatty Spiderboy, to even Lang’s girlfriend(?) Hope van Dyne—who used to ignore them like they were merely part of the Compound’s interior décor. She now acknowledged their presence with a stiff nod to their direction every now and then. Although, he couldn’t say much the same about Colonel Rhodes and that surly kid with the country accent who would always glare daggers at them. Seriously, if the daggers weren’t metaphorical and he were to be teamed up with that kid on a mission, he’d never run of weapons. The colonel, on the other side, was still grim and too professional to the point of aloofness.

Perhaps, it wasn’t just Steve getting his ass handed to him that made them happy. On his way to visit Steve in the infirmary, James overheard two of the medical staff talking in the hallway about Stark’s return to the Compound.

* * *

James had just finished his own workout, feeling refreshed, especially after that long shower he had. Steve went on a run with Sam and Barton while Natalia was out with Maximoff for a girls’ day in the city. How the latter one happened was a conundrum he wasn’t inclined to solve.

He was walking down the hallway on the way to the common area. James remembered he had one of those mini meat pies he got from the cafeteria that he left in the fridge. He was starving and was seriously considering gutting those who would even think of stealing them. He was singing a song as he went, not giving a damn if it echoed in the corridor whilst thinking about watching a movie on his own while eating.

It was a nice song, decades ahead of his time. Well, roughly two decades at least, since it was apparently from the 60’s. He had heard it from the speakers in one of his visits to the cafeteria and found that he liked the melody. Funny enough, the people there didn’t complain about a very old song being played for them—then again, it was Sunday.

He didn’t actually visit the cafeteria because he they had better fare than what they have in their floor, it was only because he could be alone there. Hiding in the new areas inside the Compound was something he would do when Steve and the others were grating on his nerves. A good decision because they avoided those areas like the plague. As if they subconsciously believed that not seeing the changes in their home meant everything was back in the way it was before.

This was one of the times that he didn’t have the others and Steve breathing down his neck. He resorted to humming when he had forgotten the next line, going louder as he came closer to the common room, knowing that no one would be there as the New Avengers were in a debrief with Maria Hill.

Or so he thought. 

His eyes caught sight of Tony Stark sitting on one of the loveseats facing the hallway, drinking coffee. James felt his tongue suddenly curl backwards into his damn throat and _that_ of course, ended his singing with a choked squawk. 

The sound startled Stark into almost dropping the tablet on his lap to the floor, but recovered enough to save it and pout at the threshold. Realizing who had joined him made the smaller brunet swiftly fix his expression into a neutral, almost standoffish one.

James resisted the urge to clamp a hand over his mouth for that humiliating sound, as he stood frozen staring back. 

Stark took the mug from the table and sipped his coffee, staring at him with narrowed eyes over the rim of his mug. James wracked his mind for anything to say that would dispel the awkwardness when the billionaire spoke.

“Y’know, I’ve seen the films when I was a kid. People mentioned you like music and singing as much as dancing. Not gonna lie, I was deathly curious back then about the singing. There weren’t actually any footage of you doing so, it’s mostly just about the dancing.” the man started then looked at the tablet in his lap before carefully setting his mug back on the table.

James blinked, still staring at Stark, very confused that the other man was talking to him at all to even pay half a mind to what he was talking about, “Huh?”

Stark sighed, looking at him pointedly that made the super soldier feel like he knew James wasn’t actually paying attention, “Now thanks to that performance, I guess there’s a reason why there weren’t any clips _at all_. Your voice and the key—“

That was when he understood what Stark was saying.

_Fuck_.

“—I’d say they’re like star-crossed lovers but I’ll be lenient because you made an effort and go for missed chances.”

The man definitely heard James wailing down the hall and obviously wasn’t impressed.

“Mystery solved, I guess.” He said that part with a snort that James thought sounded vaguely amused. “I kind of wish the mystery stayed as it was though.”

_Ouch_.

He was mortified, even more when he noticed that Stark raised a brow at him. He felt warmth all over his face. Dammit, he was definitely blushing.

James hadn’t blushed in decades and it was always a hassle back in the day because it was way too obvious with him. His whole face would be red in one go unlike Steve whose blushing oddly started at the tips of his ears slowly traveling down to his neck despite the pale Irish skin. The fact that he was doing so now, and in front of the billionaire at that, made James want to crawl under a rock, never to be seen again.

Fate had probably deemed James’ embarrassment in front of Stark enough because a moment later, the AI, FRIDAY, had informed the man that Happy Hogan was waiting for him at the lobby and ready to drive him to another meeting.

Stark thanked his AI and brought his mug to the sink. He tossed James a slight nod then walked out of the common room like he didn’t just whip James with insult after insult unprovoked.

The super soldier was still trying to process what happened moments after the genius had left when FRIDAY decided to have mercy on him.

“Boss was just teasing you.” She explained, prompting James to search for one of her cameras, “That meant he thinks you’re funny.”

James frowned, “Thanks, I guess.”

“You’re welcome.” She chirped, as if her explanation really helped in lessening the embarrassment he felt. Besides, he couldn’t exactly just take that as it was because he had it on good authority that Stark had would have more reasons to think him abhorrent than amusing.

His non-existent musical abilities probably just made him seem more pathetic.

* * *

It took a little over a week, after that awkward incident in the common room, for him to see Stark again. This time, the rest of the Rogues seemingly caught the billionaire when he had emerged from his lab to get some food. James just caught the midst of the commotion as he entered the dining area.

Stark was leaning against the counter with a carefully blank expression on his face, but James couldn’t help but think it inadvertently made him look vulnerable instead, especially as he was separated from the rest of the people occupying the room.

Which was absurd considering it was _Stark_ who had made their pardons and their return to the States possible. The man was the one who owned the facility they were staying at and the one whose money paid for the food they’re stuffing themselves with, among other things. The point was, if there would be anyone who held all the power in the entire place, it was him.

Barton was fuming and spewing venom at Stark. He had just found out that he wasn’t allowed to see his family for at least another two months, same with Scott and Sam as part of the conditions of their pardon. Steve apparently broke the news to them over breakfast before James had arrived to join them.

Steve had already clarified that it was for their families’ safety as well because while Barton’s family had been off SHIELD’s _official_ books, it wasn’t the case for Scott and Sam. And because of the data dump when James had been exposed as the Winter Soldier, records about Barton’s family became available for public consumption too. Thus, the Accords officials were working overtime to scrub databases clean and make sure any hostiles wouldn’t get a bead on their families, same as for the other enhanced who had signed.

It was in the damn packet they had received when they got back, for God’s sake.

Logically, as a former SHIELD agent, Barton should have known how important that was. Then again, the man had finally realized that he had left his family alone for two agonizing years when he joined Steve’s cause to help and protect someone like _James_. Of course, he could empathize that the archer would blow a gasket after learning that he wouldn’t be seeing them immediately upon his return. The problem was, as it had been back when they were in exile, Barton found a convenient outlet to pour all his frustration and grief in with Stark.

“No, Steve!” Barton bellowed, his features red and twisting with wrath, “That bastard just wanted to rub it in my face that he can keep my family away from me! We all know how petty that fucker is. Remember how he locked Wanda up here after the accident in Lagos? Now this! The house arrest should’ve been enough but he _just_ had to get a hit where it hurts the most. He’s the Accords lapdog, they say jump and he won’t even ask how fucking high, he’ll just do it! That’s probably why they let him do this!”

“Hey, man. I think you’re going too far.” Scott said almost pleadingly. He shot Sam who was sitting across him a look asking for help.

Sam grabbed Barton by the arm, trying to get him to sit back down, “Clint, cut it ou—“

The archer snatched his arm away from Sam, “Why should I?!” He sneered at Stark who only stared back, quietly accepting the abuse. “We all know it! He’s the Accords committee’s favorite because he’s sucking them o—“

Steve’s chair fell to the floor with a loud clatter, making most of them jump in their seats.

“That’s enough!” he roared. He looked a split second away from snapping Barton like a twig. He took a deep breath before adding calmly, “ _Not another word_.” Steve enunciated every word with the underlying threat highlighted by his bunched shoulders and clenching fists.

A knife could slice the tension in the room as the two blonds stared at each other. For a second, James thought that Barton would go through with fighting Steve. A glance to his left confirmed that so did Natalia. However, Barton only scoffed and turned to leave even kicking his chair out of his path. Predictably, the witch had gone after him but not before shooting Steve a disappointed look.

When the two disappeared from sight, a collective sigh of relief erupted from the rest, particularly Sam and Scott who both sagged back into their seats. Natalia glanced at Stark then nodded towards Steve.

“We’ll talk to Clint.” She said, inconspicuously tapping Sam’s shoulder while Lang—sensing that another possibly explosive conversation was about to happen—had scrambled to his feet and followed them out.

James hadn’t a clue why Natalia didn’t bother to ask him to leave as well but as he was about to exit on his own, Stark moved away from the counter to get out of the common room.

“Tony.” Steve called when it became obvious that Stark had no intention to stop. That got the genius to look at them over his shoulder, making Steve continue, “Clint…what he said. H-he didn’t mean any of them.”

Stark did a half-turn to face him, a small smile on his face, “Sure looked like he did.” The smile wavered a little and it showed how dim Stark’s eyes truly were behind that smile, “Acting is an essential part of the spy gig but even I know that Barton would never lie about anything that might endanger and/or tear his family apart.”

Steve sucked in a sharp breath like the man punched him in the gut, turning away. With that remark, Stark may as well have. James fought the urge to avert his gaze in shame as the billionaire’ eyes briefly met his. He couldn’t help but feel deep down that Stark was giving them a test.

About what exactly, it was difficult to tell.

Stark hummed thoughtfully, almost pondering about something then left them to their own devices. Both of them couldn’t muster the courage to do anything else when the genius had made it a point to leave them with that.

* * *

James had spent most of the following week in the gym with Steve, sparring and joining him in wrecking the equipment.

His friend had already made up with Barton. As happy as Steve was that the archer had come around and apologized for his behavior, they—Steve and James—knew that it wasn’t Steve who would appreciate the apology. Maximoff followed Barton’s lead and had also smoothened things out with Steve.

He had asked Steve about it and was surprised by the defeat in the man’s voice.

“I know, Buck. It’s not that I don’t want him to make up with Tony, I just…I don’t want to force them.”

James scowled, “Why? Because you think it will hurt them both? The only one hurt by Barton’s accusations was Stark.”

Steve winced, “Buck—“

“Is it really the two of them you’re protecting or yourself?”

Steve at the very least had the decency to look ashamed of himself.

“I never took you for a coward, Rogers.”

He didn’t bother listening to what Steve was going to say afterwards. He grabbed his change of clothes and left the gym to take his shower in his own room instead.

* * *

It was by accident.

He didn’t mean to.

Everything that was said and done weren’t meant for James.

They were for Steve and Stark.

He wasn’t supposed to know.

Good God, he would jump at the chance to go back in time to change it all.

Facing Steve, while smiling and pretending not to know, was making it difficult for him to breathe.

On the other hand, Stark plastering a smile on his face while adroitly putting on a show in order to hide how the entire situation truly hurt him, was _killing_ James. 

* * *

“—it doesn’t have to be this way, Tony.”

_Tony?_

James stopped in his tracks when he heard Steve’s voice.

He was on his way to the lake to catch some fresh air. It was one a.m. and he had a nightmare. The nightmare had shaken him a little more than usual, leaving him unable to return to sleep. He didn’t think he’d be catching Steve and Stark talking by the lake at this time. He had instinctively navigated his way closer, using the darkness to conceal his presence and quietly hid behind a tree.

“But it did turn out this way, Steve.” Stark replied softly, his voice carrying in the wind like a gentle caress.

Under the dim light from a nearby lamppost, the smaller brunet’s face took on an ethereal quality with the serene smile he had. Even the tears that welled up in his eyes did nothing to detract from it.

James thought he looked beautiful. A notion he immediately pushed back as soon as it flitted through his mind.

“We can still go back, Tony.” Steve’s voice shook as he looked down and James finally noticed Stark’s hand in his.

Seeing that, along with the closeness the two have standing in front of each other, and thinking about how uncomfortably intimate the situation was, made James realize that this was a mistake.

He shouldn’t be here.

This wasn’t mean for anyone else.

However, he couldn’t bring himself to move or look away. He was rooted to the ground that he might as well have become one of the pine trees that surrounded the area.

“You know I will never regret what we had—“

“ _Have_ , Tony. What we have…will always have.” Steve cut him off with a sob, bringing the hand in his grasp to his lips and pressing a kiss on the knuckles. “It’s doesn’t have to end. _We_ don’t have to end.”

James knew as soon as the grin Stark had trembled that no matter how much Steve wished otherwise, there was no fighting it.

“Steve—“

“Tony, _please_.”

“We can’t keep hurting each other like this, Steve. It’s like we’re stuck on loop—we kiss, we fight then kiss and fight again. We say we trust each other and we’ll always be together but we do things that scream of and lead to the opposite.”

He felt as though a sledgehammer smashed his chest in. The impact shattering his bones and the fragments in turn punctured his organs while he looked at Steve shaking his head in denial of Stark’s words.

“No. No, no, Tony. Don’t—you can’t” the blond pleaded again and again, fervently kissing Stark’s knuckles.

That was when the tears fell. Stark didn’t care about the tears running down his face in favor of wiping those that mar Steve’s cheeks away. “Steve, we—“

“You can’t just give up on me. On _us_ …sweetheart, please.”

“You did that the moment you decided you can’t trust me with the truth about my parents. _I_ did that the moment I went behind your back to deal with the Accords.” Stark replied in the same gentle tone.

“I love you—“

James knew Steve meant it—every word—yet couldn’t deny that Stark had been right. They may not have been thinking it at the time, but it was a clear sign of what the genius was pointing out.

“So do I—“

His breath caught in his throat as Stark murmured the words, then came out in a whoosh cloaked by the swaying of the leaves when the smaller brunet continued.

“—but we both know that love alone isn’t always enough.”

The damning words rang in the silence despite the fact that Stark had almost been inaudible. James would have taken an oath faster than one could say ‘soldier’ that the wind sounded as though it mourned with Steve.

A strangled sob worked its way out of Steve’s chest when Stark cupped his cheek with his free hand. Steve closed his eyes for a moment, savoring the touch and his eyes shone with resigned acceptance when they opened again. The blond smiled at Stark through his tears then the smaller man raised himself a little on his toes and Steve met him halfway for one last kiss.

A twinge of jealousy and regret came over him as he looked at the two.

They shared a sweet, chaste kiss almost innocent yet passionate, clearly full of love and it was possibly one of the most exquisite things he had ever seen in his entire life.

It was twisted of him to continue watching them like this. He was acting like a goddamn voyeur that he had averted his gaze before they parted.

_They ar-_ were _beautiful together and now they’re going their separate ways because of me._

The same thoughts were on repeat in his mind as he turned to go back to the building, moving silent as a grave.

He had been away for a few paces when he heard the pair’s parting words—each one a bullet straight to his chest.

“Goodbye, stranger.”

“Goodbye, sweetheart.”

* * *

Four days after was when James had finally gathered the courage to ask about Steve and Stark. He was in the shooting range with Natalia and had finished firing all the rounds from the gun in his hand when he decided to reveal his reason for suddenly seeking her out. If there was anyone who would know more than the others, it was Natalia. She knew Stark before he joined the Avengers and was the one who worked with Steve the most back when SHIELD was still in place.

“Stark…and Steve.” he said haltingly looking at her intently.

Of course, as clever as she was, he need not elaborate. She turned to face him after assembling the gun in her hands, “Ah, so you finally found out. Did Steve tell you?”

He shook his head. That earned him a raised brow, asking more details.

“It doesn’t matter how I knew. I just—“

The sound of a few shots being fired stopped him from what he was going to say and he scowled at her.

“There’s no point in blaming yourself.” She cut him off sternly, she set the gun down, “To be honest, I’m actually surprised they lasted as long as they did. We, the original team that is, actually thought it was a joke at first when they told us. We thought they would call it off after a few months but they proved us wrong. Tony and Steve had been almost perfect together. _Almost._ ”

Her eyes lifted to his as she continued, “They would fight but come back together all the more stronger for it. I guess that made the rest of us ignore what we knew all along. They were too different. They would want the same thing but go about achieving it in ways that clashed with each other’s ideals. We’re talking about two very different men yet both larger than life. Their relationship ending badly was writing on the wall. Y’know, Nick had predicted when he found out that the fallout would affect the world at large.” A huff of laugh left her before her eyes sharpened, “It did and you just happened to be the perfect wedge that had been driven in between them.”

James hissed at the last part.

It was near identical to what Helmut Zemo said back in Siberia and the thought of that snake made rage rise in his gullet.

“You make it sound like it’s something to gloat about.” He replied in a quiet, menacing tone.

“I didn’t mean it like that.” She responded nonchalantly, ignoring his mood, “All I’m saying is that what happened to their relationship and in the Civil War is not your fault. Like most of us, you were caught in the middle of the fray. The difference being that you didn’t exactly choose to be there. We all made our choices back then, so did Steve and Tony. Most of our decisions weren’t ideal and we were forced to pick sides but ultimately, no one told us to choose what we did. Long story short, against all odds, Iron Man and Captain America will always stand side by side to protect everyone. Nothing can change that. Tony Stark and Steve Rogers though? Even the so called power of love that will conquer all is not enough to keep them together.”

James bit his tongue to keep himself from mentioning that Stark said the same thing. Their love was not enough. He also recalled what Steve told him before in passing, about Stark being a self-proclaimed futurist.

_He’s always preparing for the future, Buck. Tony always looked at what lied at the end of the road so he could do what he can to face it without fear when he reached it._

Just like the rest of their team back at the beginning, did Stark predict that he and Steve would fall apart?

If so, then James could only wallow in shame for how envious he was of Steve. In spite of knowing about their inevitable crash and burn, Stark still took a chance and loved Steve with all his heart.

He had been numb for so long that he had forgotten what it was like to love and be loved in return. After being freed from HYDRA’s slimy grasp, he was slowly learning how to feel again. Now learning—as well as seeing— that Steve, after his own long years in the ice, had been quickly blessed with both, James’ treacherous mind was eager to lament,

_Why can’t I have that too?_

* * *

He was really beginning to be sick of these instances.

First, he encountered Stark alone and embarrassed himself. Next, it was with Steve and humiliated himself yet again by acting like a fucking peeping tom. Now, as he turned a corner to the balcony, he found Stark engaging in yet another heartfelt conversation and this time, to James’ surprise, with Maximoff.

Unlike the previous ones, he had caught them at the end of their discussion seeing as the young woman had tearfully left Stark standing there after giving his arms a squeeze in place of a hug.

He almost didn’t catch the soft murmur of ‘I’m sorry,’ as she left in haste. Maximoff was too busy trying to stem her tears as she left that she didn’t notice James was nearby. If only the same could be said about Stark, he thought, when the witch had disappeared from his sight and found the billionaire looking at him.

“Were you listening?” The man was leaning contrapposto on the balcony. It made his frame seem longer and the surprisingly lithe physique, that the super soldier somehow assumed to be on the stockier side because of the armor, be more noticeable.

The taller man took the question as a sign that he could come closer, “No. I just got here.”

Stark tilted his head a bit and slowly blinked at him—bathed in the sunlight, James was oddly reminded of a fawn he had seen in the forest back when he had been in the war.

_Must be the eyes._

“Are you here to check?”

It was James’ turn to blink, “Check what?”

“If Barton and Maximoff finally agreed to discuss things with me like adults.” Stark said with an air of someone pointing out what they felt should have been obvious. “Rogers said you talked him into it. Into asking them about it, I mean.”

Understanding came upon him slowly. He didn’t realize Steve had decided to help Stark in fixing things with Barton and Maximoff after James got angry with him.

“Is it Heart to Heart Serious Talk month right now or what?” the smaller man mused, “I mean, I’ve already talked and agreed to slowly patch things up with everybody but you. And oh, yeah, Wanda’s the last one—you missed Barton by the way, sought me out before she did—so I’m guessing it’s your turn now?”

James, recalling the memory of that clandestine meeting the smaller brunet had with Steve, visibly cringed which brought a same reaction in Stark.

“Oh, wow. Okay, too soon? No discussions. Got it. Just thought we could, y’know, work this out since I’m on a roll with the emotional detox here. No worries, I’m like the patron saint of avoiding serious talks so—“

“That’s not it.” The super soldier rasped which made Stark pause in his rambling, “I…I-I didn’t think you’d want to talk…uh, about us.”

James’ eyes widened in panic when Stark’s eyebrows shot upwards and his words hit home, “Wait, I mean, not, not _us_ —“

“I get it.” The genius interjected smoothly, raking a hand through his hair. He sighed and stared at the large expanse of land before them, “I mean I can understand. Yes, it’s pretty hard to imagine having a conversation with the guy whose parents you were forced to kill but I thought you’d be up to it since you helped arrange these talks with the others.”

“It was Steve.” He muttered, peeling his eyes away from Stark’s profile to stare into the massive land area Stark liked to call the Compound’s _backyard_ , “Didn’t do anything.”

“Funny. Steve said the same thing about you.”

James didn’t want to analyze what came over him when he heard the man say _Steve_ , _him_ and _same_ in one sentence. Also why the hell his stomach soured when he caught the little thoughtful sigh attached to the way Stark uttered his friend’s name. All he knew was that it all had loosened what was hanging on his tongue, “I’m sorry.”

That made Stark’s head turn to his direction.

“I’m sorry. I know apologizing wouldn’t bring them back or change anything that happened. But I want you to know that I would never want to hurt you. I’ll take it all back if I could. Also I’m grateful for everything you’ve done for me. I don’t have a clue how I can ever repay you maybe I’ll figure it out later and I hope, someday, we could…we could start over...”

Stark only kept staring at him that it made him want to slink away to his room like a beaten stray dog and lick his wounds. “Like…like you with Maximoff and Barton.”

“Thank you.” The genius said benignly, “I want to say I’m sorry too. For blasting your arm off back then.”

“It’s not your fault. I was trying to rip out your reactor. You were being attacked. ”

Stark only half grinned, “I could say the same for you. Then again, we’ll just go round and round in circles. If I can start over sooner with Wanda and the others, we can too. Another thing, there’s no need for paying me back or whatever you’re thinking. It was the least I could do.”

“But—“

The smaller man held up a slender index finger, “BARF was created to help those who had very traumatic experiences and yours is arguably the most extreme case ever. Damn, I sound like an insensitive ass. Look, what I’m saying is that, HYDRA did all those horrible things to you and used you to do even more horrible things. If I let you stay in that condition they left you in, I’m no better than them. I guess, I live up to my rep and that write up Natasha did. It’s really not just for you but for me as well.”

James would’ve argued about that assessment Natalia did but, he didn’t want to risk making things more uncomfortable for Stark. The man was clearly trying to give him the same courtesy by acting like they were just talking about something random. Thus, he just said, “Thank you.”

Stark nodded, “Wow, look at us acting like the most well-adjusted guys on the team.”

The conversation was reaching his end, James might as well make sure it would in a good note—pun not intended. “Our respective therapists must be weeping with joy.” He deadpanned.

The smaller man’s swiveled to him so fast and then he chuckled. “Probably.” He checked his watch, “I, uh…I actually have a meeting at SI in the next two hours so…”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to keep you from it.”

Stark flapped a hand, “Eh, it’s fine. See you around, Barnes.”

He found his own grin had widened considerably in return to the one Stark gave him as he left the balcony.

* * *

_A bright grin followed by a husky laugh and hot breath in his ear. Clever, nimble fingers dancing over his chest, mapping all the scars and the area where metal met flesh. Brown, wavy hair ran through with his metal fingers. A soft groan as he pulled the locks just so in time with a grind of his hips. He rewarded that sweet sound with a nip to those pliant lips, enjoying the pleasant scratch of facial hair—_

James’ eyes flew open with a gasp and he abruptly sat up on his bed. The sheets pooled over his waist, baring his torso to the cool air of the night. He glanced at his bedside table and saw that it was only two in the morning.

Fuck.

It was the fifth time it happened after he had apologized to Stark.

He gritted his teeth when his shifting made the sheets slide over his groin. He had spent decades sleeping in ice or in a cell in full gear that he had taken to sleeping in the nude after getting his own room in the Compound. A habit he picked up that was proving itself a grave mistake—both as an assassin and a man caught in this turbulent times.

The dreams— _hallucinations_ —were so vivid that whenever he woke up, his whole body was thrumming with arousal that he felt his like nerve endings were on fire. There was no way in hell he was going to touch himself to make it stop. He knew his addled mind would just twist whatever images he tried to conjure into him joining Stark in a tangle of limbs and in throes of passion.

Despite knowing that the cold shower wouldn’t really make a dent in the blasted heat coiling in his core because of being acclimated to Siberia’s brand of cold and with the serum in his veins keeping him warm, James still subjected himself to it. 

He dragged both hands over his face, groaning in irritation. He should have seen this coming. He was getting to caught up in Steve and Stark’s business that he was confusing his thoughts on the matter with all the things that he was hoping to have again. Dammit, there was also a time where he dreamt of that kiss they shared but James was the one who received it and not Steve. Stark wasn’t crying either, he was smiling afterwards.

Good God.

How sick was he?

* * *

Not being able to sleep for nearly three weeks made James frayed around the edges. Even the serum did nothing to keep him from experiencing the effects of lacking sleep for a long time. If anything, it only served to exacerbate the problem. Since the serum kept him warm and he absolutely refused to do the five finger shuffle, the cold showers were not helping at all.

Fuck, he had tried a warm one to relax his _muscles,_ he stayed longer than usual in the gym, nothing worked. Even—to his shame because he knew FRIDAY could squeal about it to her Boss—surfing the net for porn to have something to superimpose on the lingering images from the sordid dreams but, it only made his frustration skyrocket. He would find himself drawn to and clicking on videos that feature actors and actresses that were small, slender, dark haired and doe-eyed which of course fueled his delusions further.

To keep it simple, James was left agitated and on edge all the time. He had even snapped at Peter and Harley, when they asked him about how life was back in the war for their homework, which made him feel like an utter bastard. The others had given him a wide berth when they noticed how he was acting. That may be so, but James had gone the extra mile and avoided Stark like he was the Devil about to curse James with the clap. Always subtly making sure he wouldn’t be caught dead in the same room as the man.

He had been at it for a week when his luck ran out.

Steve had suggested sparring to burn out excess adrenalin, worried about how James had been acting lately. They had used weapons—James used his knives whereas Steve used his shield. After almost an hour of beating the hell out of each other, Steve got the day when he had brought the shield down on James’s metal arm and the edge got caught in the space between the plates. The shield was dislodged but the force of impact had dented the plates near the elbow and left James unable to straighten his arm, like a waiter with a towel draped over his.

That led to him, Natalia, who was watching them, and Steve meeting Stark in the common room. He was by the sink, rinsing his cereal bowl when the genius appeared straight from the lab. James wanted to resent the man because in spite of being in an old band shirt, ratty jeans and the smudges of grease on hands and cheeks—the dreams still didn’t compare to the real thing.

He bit down on the ugly covetousness that churned in his gut when the man greeted Steve and Natalia with a smile before moving towards him. He rationalized that he didn’t really feel that way. It was just the lack of sleep and his confusion playing tricks on him. Steve was his friend, dammit. He wouldn’t betray Steve like that and he wouldn’t demand anything of Stark too.

That would be low of him.

Resolve fueling him, he kept to tersely answering the genius’ questions about the extent of his arm’s damage. James half-listened as Stark scheduled a visit to his lab for maintenance and did his damnedest to keep his eyes from lingering on the latter’s person.

His eyes slid to the side and he noticed that Natalia and Steve were talking at the table in low tones. He didn’t make out any of what was said—all thanks to the multi-billion dollar distraction in front of him—but he noticed from the corner of his eyes that after Natalia left the room, Steve was looking at him and Stark with all the desolation and grief of a man that just saw his whole world crumble into dust.

And James wanted to retch in horror as he recognized the feeling that washed over him as he took in Steve's expression.

He was _glad._

* * *

_Cherish is the word I use to describe_

_All the feeling that I have hiding here for you inside_

_You don't know how many times I've wished that I had told you_

_You don't know how many times I've wished that I could hold you_

_You don't know how many times I've wished that I could_

_Mold you into someone who could_

_Cherish me as much as I cherish you_

_Perish is the word that more than applies_

_To the hope in my heart each time I realize_

_That I am not gonna be the one to share your dreams_

_That I am not gonna be the one to share your schemes_

_That I am not gonna be the one to share what_

_Seems to be the life that you could_

_Cherish as much as I do yours_

_Oh I'm beginning to think that man has never found_

_The words that could make you want me_

_That have the right amount of letters, just the right sound_

_That could make you hear, make you see_

_That you are drivin' me out of my mind_

_Oh I could say I need you but then you'd realize_

_That I want you just like a thousand other guys_

_Who'd say they loved you with all the rest of their lies_

_When all they wanted was to touch your face, your hands_

_And gaze into your eyes_

_Cherish is the word I use to describe_

_All the feeling that I have hiding here for you inside_

_You don't know how many times I've wished that I had told you_

_You don't know how many times I've wished that I could hold you_

_You don't know how many times I've wished that I could_

_Mold you into someone who could_

_Cherish me as much as I cherish you_

_And I do... cherish you_

_And I do... cherish you_

_Cherish is the word_

**Author's Note:**

> I said this series will be angst and fluff. *slaps forehead*  
> Also, this is the only nice Steve I've ever written and I bullied him! What have I done?  
> This is the last installment for the 'past Stony' chapter of this series. Next will be a two-part AU with lots of angst also featuring Rhodey the Good Bro.
> 
> I picked the song because despite the cute melody, the lyrics are tragic and kind of obsessive. (in short, it's right up my alley)
> 
> Thank you for reading!  
> Stay safe and God bless.


End file.
